Silent Bullying is underplaying your organisation's best talent.
When the word bully enters corporate dialogue, we tend to envision the more observable forms occurring regularly and intensifying. Unprofessional emails, outbursts, harsh delivery of messages, lack of empathy and self-management. It’s obvious and visible and thank god we have our P&C champions to help us get on top of it quickly.
The Bullying I’ve had the privilege of witnessing is less obvious and generally out of sight and therefore out of mind. It can be passive aggressive, micro behaviours or “silent bullying”, where bias fuelled feedback tends to focus on what's wrong lacking balance.
It's often ongoing and delivered by leaders who believe they are well equipped to form opinions about another person’s future, OR fear what might happen if someone has the opportunity to step up.
It’s subtle, slow burning, ongoing. Similar to simmering a meal to extend its cooking time beyond what is needed to improve the taste.
It can result in playing your best people small. And when we play our best people small, they play themselves even smaller and this is dangerous. Dangerous to self-belief, confidence and internal dialogues that shape how that person steps into their future. Sure, we could say it toughens people up, builds resilience and bounce back, for the most part its damaging to the human soul!
I am not suggesting it’s always intentional, leaders can get caught up in an inflated sense of self and their priorities and workloads, forgetting there's more than a head receiving the feedback.
When we speak to give feedback, we are speaking to the heart who then connects with and responds with the head.
Leaders will never step into their true potential if this pernicious cycle continues.
I’ve heard this time and time again; senior leaders express upon reflection they may have underplayed someone. Or witness other senior leaders behave this way, and fearful of the ramifications if they speak up.
This cycle of silent bullying is not only prevalent in the workplace, perhaps even more pronounced in sports where the knock-on effect could be catastrophic, particularly in kids sports!
What I have learnt is this 👇and these are my tips;
✅Start with questioning your own opinions and biases, deeply reflecting that your intentions are wholehearted, checking that your sense of self is grounded in varying perspectives. At an executive level particularly we rely on the viewpoints and feedback of a limited few - CEO, a peer, and if you're lucky the Head of P&C. Three people with the same viewpoint is too narrow a perspective. Have an expanded network of trusted advisor’s so you don't fall prey to your confidence.
✅Balance the focus of your feedback with strengths and achievements taking a holistic approach. Cause and effect. What effect will adjusting blind spots have on the situation and short-long term performance ? What effect would amplifying strengths have on the situation and short-long term performance? What's the better path here?
✅Feedback should be helpful and constructive not destructive, before offering it check to ensure this criteria is met. And that also involves appreciating how the person might "receive" feedback so you can adjust your style accordingly.
✅Deliver feedback that acknowledges how the heart and head might react by being emotionally intelligent when delivering feedback, aware negative emotions trigger the amygdala which narrows our focus on the "bad" (also referred to as a negativity bias) and when that happens, its the only thing we see and soon becomes ALL we see.
✅Practise both giving and receiving feedback in that same moment. I do this often. An environment where two-way feedback is normalised enables senior leaders and executives to positively influence (and role-model) how feedback can be received and actioned for the betterment of all.
✅Check your intentions. Do you have the person’s best interest at heart? Is it balanced with all interests - The customer, organisation, team and yours.
✅If you witness feedback that is silent bullying and intentionally damaging, you have choices. You could say nothing and ultimately be a part of what is systematically wrong, sitting in conflict with your own values. Long term it’s unhealthy for your wellbeing. Or take a strategic systemic approach and agitate for cultural change. This won't be the easy route, nor quick or comfortable one, but it will be the most fulfilling when you’ve had the opportunity to positively impact your people.
At PeopleQ, we offer executive coaching given senior leaders and executives the space needed to build their trusted network. We offer coaching matching services, get in touch to find out more.
Melina Lipkiewicz melina@peopleq.com.au
Suria Ward suria@peopleq.com.au
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